If I was a Warrior

I am a warrior. That’s what I’ve been told, even felt it at times.
Sure. What does that even mean?
That I’ll stand strong and stoic even when I’m crumbling, confused.
That I’ll pretend nothing hurts my heart even though I’ve finally found the courage to keep it open.
That I’ll deny feeling lost, just so no one feels uncomfortable around my ‘weakness’.
Anger covers vulnerability, tough covers insecure.
Judgement covers my own shortcomings.
Numb is easier than feeling the overwhelm of this world.

Surely I AM a warrior.
I’ve walked weeks with a pack on my back,
and blisters in my boot.
Days with no food, no sleep.
Digging holes in the blizzard,
in defense against an imaginary enemy,
until my comrades saw monkeys in tuxedos,
because they were hallucinating
from 72 hours digging holes till our hands bled…
in peacetime, to get ready for a war
I never wanted to be part of, even if it did come.

Maybe I even had them believing I was a warrior.
But inside, I was weak.
Pandering to other people to fit in and seem polite, a ‘nice girl’.
Bluffing my confidence,
so no one saw the fraud I thought I was.

These days, I truly feel free not to have to be a warrior.
Not to have to please out of obligation.
I truly know the iridescence of my spirit.
And I know now that truth, in fact true strength, is in transparency.
It is vulnerability.
The tough-girl act was never very believable anyway.
And it really was just an elaborate cover for the little girl
who was too sensitive to know how to be soft in a hard world.

Well we have reunited.
I have let her melt, be a kid, or a queen, depending how I’m feeling.
And so I embrace being lost sometimes.
Though it’s uncomfortable AF.
Knowing that my inner sparkle, which I have finally allowed
to lead my adventurous path,
is the greatest gift to myself and others.
I now choose to let my guard down,
and have to be vigilant of my old wounds,
to watch when the walls want to rebuild twice as high,
when I feel unsafe with my raw heart open.
I am relieved not to have to be a warrior all the time.
In fact it’s a blissful holiday.

Because I know there are those with whom I can rest,
and not need to hide my sorrow,
or confusion, or overwhelm.
I know, I trust, more than anything else in this world...
that my spirit is invincible, eternal, part of a great energy soup.
I recognize now, that nothing actually needs fixing.
I’m here to have fun, to inspire love and unity.
And I know that this crazy, mysterious, cosmic universe, has my back.
It sends solutions to coax me out of the fog,
and inspire a path so fucken miraculous and full of joy,
that I never could have dreamt it up with my limited view.
Because my view is still expanding.
I’m still remembering how dam magical we all are.
As I let go of everything I’ve ever been told,
about how life SHOULD BE...

Fuck the should’s I say!
I believe that my realty is as miraculous as I can dream it.
That’s my warrior status.
I believe in love and miracles in the face of conflict, war,
and a humanity that seems hell bent on chaos.
Though I sense an underlying perfection that I can’t comprehend.
I am hard wired to be a peaceful warrior.
For the good of this world.
For humble, kind and true expression.
For our Earth who feels all of it, remember?
But more than a warrior, I choose humility.
I haven’t always.

So yeah, in my warrior moments I’ll work till I’m spent,
to be love in the world, because it’s also my joy.
And sometimes I’ll cry,
because I forget myself along the way.
Sometimes I’ll put it all down and wonder why.

In the silences, I know it’s all just a cosmic game,
and it doesn’t need to be so hard.
But I forget that I’m human for now.

Thank god for you.
Yes, all of you. You... me.
To love me back to my centre and remind me when I forget.

Where do the echoes go?

When I answered the call
to make sense of it all
sail my waka to Australia
I’d no idea I would fall
back in love with my heart
nor did I know
that we’d been apart.

For so long bound up in comfort
wearing the mask of ‘I’ve made it’
But inside I was lonely, insecure, without meaning
going through the motions of successful notions.

The excavation of a soul
seeking freedom to roam
it may have seemed like a sprint
searching some missing link
but it turns out my soul
has just grown cold
 

Of the way we’ve been living
struggle, fear and suspicion
so much war and mistrust
surely there's something we’re missing
In a world of such beauty
haven’t you pondered unity
with a million stars up above
my heart sought a new love,

 
That was interconnected
woven through messages
coded inside my being
unlocked through magical mysterious meetings
with the perfect souls and impeccable timing
had I tried to control this or shut down believing
I would simply have missed the pathway unfolding

But my fear and identity
were slowly eroded
like the Alchemical flame
once mastered for Gold
now used for my soul
the old ways overruled
forging life by design
intolerant to the crimes
of a humanity lost
dog eat dog at all costs
 

Where we’ve forgotten our grace
accumulate the most in this race
by now, I had a cunning suspicion
this aching soul had been sent on a mission
to remember WHY we feel better in love
that inside each child is a wide eyed believer
in the good, in the freedom, in the god-given right
to a world we believe in
where we don’t have to fight
for clean drinking water,
a bomb proof shelter
where we look after out Mother
have kindness for one another

But it had to start in MY heart…

The smallness I feel atop a mountain at sunset
is also greatness radiated from a universe connected
echoes eternally in my soul, a song to bring us back home

But where do the echoes go??

She ignites our hearts, her secrets of beauty
the clue for our future of natures effortless unity
our love expands in this fire, makes us stronger, and wiser
yet we’re so disconnected
in our search for security, for pleasure
but love is the measure
of a Race that is winning
imagine a world where we all work together

To excavate, dig me out from under this tension
release fears enslaved to old ways and conditioning
This Red Earth had powerful lessons to offer
Hitch Hiking experiments, disproving fear of each other
Re–calibrating instincts, bullshit radar fine–tuned
I found a kindness untold
of strangers offering gold
with a faith in our race,
shared around kitchen tables

Exploring inside MY mind
found a new status quo
new trust and belief in humanity's hope
where so many now forge a new path ahead
new systems, respect, honouring life as we tread
a little lighter, speak a little quieter
listen much longer, and play more often
where creativity is the currency of gold
all these secrets found within our OWN soul
when we have the courage
to look inside for love
see ourselves as the miracle
then we remember
that we are powerful beyond measure

And yet... none of it matters
as we all turn to dust and dissolve
but everything counts, so the REAL question unfolds

Where DO the echoes go???????

Invisible Mylk

Life is played out in the spaces...
between the lines of my ’story’
In invisible milk that can only be read by those
Who know how to make the words visible

Like the ancient Egyptian encryption method from forgotten civilisations
There is a fairy tale being written by my soul
The timeless, non–physical essence of Who I really Am
It is the invisible me, that radiates my song
That writes love letters to me every day

Waiting…

It writes in between the lines of my jobs, identitys,
responsibilities, perceived achievements, performances
In between the self–judgement, hidden shame, "story of success'
It doesn’t know money fear
It has no pretence of power
and it’s not just 'trying to survive’

No it is the hero, or heroine here to thrive
The one who came here to play
To evolve through Earthly experiences,
Uninfluenced by another's analysis of my story
To write an epic tale

It writes on serviettes in noisy cafes
On oily newspaper in fish and chip shops
And drowned coasters in dingey bars

Waiting…

It whispers through my dreams
It uses my own Ego to shake me when I forget
It reminds me that I did not come here
to 'pretend to have made it’
Not to play small nor to build an empire,
Not to fix or to heal, but simply to love
There is nothing broken, but I forget

It dissolves my perceived ‘missions’
And tells me to take a break
To be here… now.
With all of my appreciation and gratitude

It softens my heart through a strangers smile
speaks through the deafening silence
of a sunset Mountain Range
Or a tiny hummingbird come to ignite my wonder

It shows me how to remain in my softness
in the face of another’s fear
Gentle in the onslaught of another’s rage
Compassionate in the midst of another’s wounded patterns
Guiding my words, deeds and actions

Waiting…

For me to stop telling the story,
To listen, so the story can be told through me
With Joy, with Love, or Numbed Pain
or the Anxious Fears of unworthiness
With vulnerable stories of shame revealed

With full freedom to be me, no matter what I'm feeling.
I am learning better, how to read between the lines.
I am grateful the Author is patient